love always,




this was who I was. an alcoholic junkie would would take her clothes off for some cocaine, or a shot of vodka. I didn’t ever blackout from a night of partying too hard, I lived in the blackout. I did things only proven to me by pictures, or bruised necks, or bloody wrists. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t trying to be social. I wasn’t in denial, I just didn’t care. the only way I felt safe was when I felt like I didn’t exist. and if mixing the alcohol with the blow and pain killers and tranquilizers and sex and dying was what it took to get there, I was working around the clock. I lied, cheated, stole, hurt people, hurt myself, broke hearts, broke skin, never slept, never ate, overdosed more times than I can remember, made myself a home in the ER, didn’t want any family, didn’t want any friends. I just wanted to be invisible; to drown myself in drugs and alcohol until there was no more room for oxygen in my lungs. I got stitches, my stomach pumped, drank charcoal. I flat lined. twice. both times over 10 seconds. I was more than ready and willing to give up, to disappear. 
but that wasn’t how my story was written to end.
and I say that with confidence because today, December 1st, 2012, I am 90 days sober. longer than I have been in seven years. 
no, I don’t have withdrawal symptoms anymore, but the urges come on just as strong as they did when I was just 1 day sober. I still have dreams about relapsing. I still plot the easiest ways into relapse. I still wish I had the option to take the easy way out of any situation. I still can barely stand my own company. I still want to be small. and to be honest, the only thing that gets me through most days is that I chose recovery. I wasn’t sent away. I wasn’t locked up or kicked out. it was my decision, just as the chance of relapsing will be my decision.
and if I have the option every day for the rest of my life to wake up in the morning and remember whose hand I held next to the fire, what flavor of tea I drank, how many times I heard “I love you” or to wake up in the morning with bloody teeth and the taste of last night’s lonely fuck on my tongue, I’m always going to remember the flavor of tea.
(also I would just like to add that if anyone who sees this and is having a problem and feels small, I want to talk to you, send me a message, we can exchange numbers. not to tell you all the things you want to hear, but to help you realize the choice is yours)

today, March 12th, 2013, I am 191 days sober.

today, May 25th, I am 265 days sober,

today, August 31st, I am two years, 730 days sober.
"You must not reduce yourself to a puddle just because the person you like is afraid to swim and you are a fierce sea to them; because there will be someone who was born with love of the waves within their blood, and they will look at you with fear and respect."

T.B. LaBerge, Things I’m Still Learning at 25 

(Source: tblaberge, via highspeedsoul)

'We were born sick,' you heard them say it

(Source: floatingidentity)


"How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"
Blue Valentine (2010)

You only seek what you give away

(via inday-music)

The end’s not near, it’s here.

(Source: play-listings)

And you’re always laughing

But you always look afraid

(Source: icepail-deactivated)

"I wasn’t used to opening up to others. She was opening up to me, but I couldn’t do the same. I really did like her, yet still something held me back."

Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

(Source: , via apensivesoul)

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."

Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

(Source: gorankun, via apensivesoul)

"I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself."

Warsan Shire

"There are two selves. There’s your short term self, and there’s your long term self. And if you’re only true to your short term self, your long term self slowly decays."

Humans of New York 

(Source: roomtemperaturedlovers, via apensivesoul)